a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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