Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
