you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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