My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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