we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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