Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
