just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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