Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
