i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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