so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
