____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
