You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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