Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
