Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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