Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
