sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
