I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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