I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
someone owes me an orgasm
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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