Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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