chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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