there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
