Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
