I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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