You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
