Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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