Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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