Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
