You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
