I'm lost and stupid without you.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
