everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
