Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
