I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
