You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize