guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
