I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
