U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My bed smells like the plague
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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