take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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