Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
