Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize