put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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