Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
