I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
