There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
