Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
