i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
