My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
