if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
