GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
