Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
