with your own penis?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
