If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I wish I could teleport
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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