I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
