I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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