A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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