I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh god it's open bar.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
