cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
