This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
