My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
