obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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