the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
