Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
