I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
