Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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