I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
